Because Someone Asked

April 10th has brought me a cold breeze on a warm day. April 10th has brought me change and uncertainty as well. In less than two short months, I will officially be without a home and without a summer job as of right now. I am currently waiting on a phone call from Jason Coon, the director at Miracle Camp and Retreat Center. He is going to tell me whether or not I have a job for the summer. It should be interesting, either answer.

April 10th seems so nice. I haven't done much today except take the dog for a walk and bake some cookies that turned out mediocre. Why is mediocre some invisible wall I can't seem to pass when it comes to making cookies? You know that rise in the throat feeling, where you know something is coming and you don't know what it is? For me, that feeling is usually a close bed-fellow with wasteful, short activities, like cooking, organizing folders in my computer, and blogging, all just to waste the time when that event finally arrives.

Sometimes I'm jealous of the lives of animals. Mostly the domestic variety. They lounge around, eat what is put in front of them, and occasionally get reprimanded by big humans who yell at them in a language they can't understand. Still though, I envy them sometimes.

The rustle of the curtains reminds me that it is 3:00 and I am ready for a nap.

My Love List

I have decided to reawaken an old practice of making a love list in honor of Thanksgiving coming up. These are all things that I really enjoy about life, things that make me feel pristinely human.

1) board games

2) tables that are just the right size for whatever you are doing (eating, talking, tea, etc)

3) the smell of chlorine

4) the smell of winter

5) French toast

6) sneaking a drink of my mom's diet coke

7) tattling on my sister for #6

8) Kodiak (my dog)

9) A close race between Cohen and I in Mario Kart

10) when I can be as nerdy as I can and no one judges me for it

11) Spontaneous dance parties

12) Showering

13) Tea that isn't too hot, but hot enough

14) Getting a tie that matches a shirt perfectly

15) Singing really loudly in the car to a song that is WAY too inappropriate but no one cares

16) singing a duet in the car with someone

17) Singing a song with your iPod earphones in, knowing you don't sound that good, but you don't care

18) Christmas trees

19) Cinnamon rolls

20) mornings when YOU decide when you wake up

21) SAB

22) The feeling of release

23) Playing catch [I'm not sure how many people know I like this]

24) The womb

25) Losing track of time when reading a book

26) The number 8

27) Sunglasses

28) My favorite spot on campus, on the far side of SnoTip, under that weird tree by the stop sign

29) Belfast (especially West)

30) DPK

31) Athens at night, when all the ruins are lit up

32) Someone complimenting my writing

33) When a pencil writes with just the right thickness

34) The Fantasticas

35) Laughing until I cry and it hurts

36) The Alchemist

37) chills from a song

38) Tiffany and I making fun of Valerie's driving skills [they really do lack]

39) Competition

40) Miracle Camp

41) Boat parties

42) Breakfast (eggs, toast, orange juice, waffles)

43) Saturday mornings in the DC, you never know who is going to be there and who you will sit with!

44) Sunny spring days

45) Driving with the windows down

46) Giving massages

47) Warm bed, cold pillow

48) Reliving old memories

49) SMA

50) 90s songs

51) Making someone laugh far more than you intended

52) Swimming and having stupid water competitions, such as breath holding and races and treading water

53) Console games where the competition is based entirely on who can push the A button the fastest

54) Getting as many people on my bed as possible (that sounds so wrong)

55) Seeing how far away I can go with a cordless phone

56) Waking up on the bus just in time for my stop

I could keep going, but I don't think anyone is going to read anymore.

What the journey is all about?

Thirty days, number the hours, number the days.

I stand upon the precipice of change.

A cloud distant coming.

Okay, enough shoddy attempts at writing for me. I just finished watching the movie 'Up' which, if you haven't seen it, please do. I realize it is a children's movie, but it is still quite good in my opinion. I found it to be a very interesting movie to watch, coming upon the last thirty days of my time here in Northern Ireland. So much of that movie is talking about not pushing off your dreams and realizing that adventures aren't about static goals, but rather fluid plans, bending and changing like the terrain of the earth you travel over.

I came into PRIME with goals, ideas, constructions. I came wanting to put my house on top of Paradise Falls (movie reference). But then, people/goals/troubles/talking dogs (movie reference) seemingly got in the way and diverted my path. However, just as Carl Fredricksen (main character of movie) realized, I have come to the conclusion that adventures rarely go the way we planned, but in the end, it is the Spirit of Adventure we sought all along, and it is modern culture that says we need a goal.

Did Bilbo Baggins find the adventure he thought he would take? Did Rand discover that adventures are everything that the ol' bards tales told of? Is there really an ending that makes sense 100% of the time? I don't think so, and I actually like it that way.

You see, the people I have met here, the places I have seen, the problems I have had, the joys I have been blessed with, are more of an adventure than I could have ever imagined. The hard part is letting go of my house (movie reference) so that I can have those side adventures. In fact, the side adventures ARE the adventure. Tangents aren't meant to be detours, they are meant to be untrodden rabbit paths leading to whole new worlds!

I have 29 days left really and feeling like I am on the home stretch has filled me with trepidation. Emotions wrap themselves around me closer than even my rain jacket does. But these are my companions at the moment and if this past 5 months have taught me anything, it is that seeking dreams is rarely fantasy, but a hard reality that can weigh you down. The trick is to, while your back is bent, notice the flowers growing along the path you trod.

A great silence overcomes me,

and I wonder why I ever thought

to use language.

-Rumi

That Little Vial

I have little to no artistic ability. I wish I did. I wish I had forced myself, when I was younger, to slave away at sketches so that today, I could be an accomplished artist.

What is so alluring about the ability to draw, paint, mold or sculpt? Why is it so sought after? I think it is because we all long to create.

Creation is a bonding process. Be it a paint, a paper written for class, or a batch of cookies, whenever we pour our very selves into the creation of something, we find ourselves linked to it.

It is almost like we have a little vial of ourselves inside us, and when we create, we pour an amount of ourselves into that creation.

So right now, I am experienceing a need to empty my vial. I just want to pour myself into a project. My creativity is boiling, my hands fidgeting, my mind wanders.

I seek release. I seek to pour.

Is this universal? Does everyone feel this need? This itch? How can it be satisfied? How do you satisfy it?

My vial seems to be linked to so many aspects of my life. Is it my search for meaning? My search for self-expression? Or better yet, my masculine-driven need to have work?

Somehow, I think it is simply my need to bond through creation. And I think we all have it. I would be very disappointed if others did not feel this need. It is one of the biggest driving forces in my life. A constant seek to pour.

So what about you? What does your vial seek to pour itself into?

A Day's Deviations

Recently I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my life, Christianity, philosophy, mindsets, character and humor. And since I am currently cluttered up inside the seashell called the PC, I am going to allow this tidal wave of thoughts drift to the surface.

In my readings of Spiritual Leadership by Blackaby, some very probing questions have really challenged me and made me question a lot of aspects of my life. Questions like 'who is getting the glory for the things you are doing?' and 'are you comfortable with God speaking into your life?' So allow me to now answer some of these questions out loud to you... well, out loud in the sense that you can hear me in your head like you heard a bad Justin Timberlake song in 2005, playing over and over again.

Who gets the glory for the things I do? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I am weird (wouldn't surprise me) but I don't spend much time, or any at all for that matter, thinking about who is getting the glory for things I do. Does that mean I am getting the glory? I don't think so, but maybe. Does that mean God is getting the glory? Maybe, but probably not. So does that mean that yesterday, when I picked up a woman's license off the ground and handed it to she who had unknowingly dropped it onto the pavement, God wasn't getting the glory? I didn't want the glory, I didn't think of glory at all. So where did it go? Did I replace the lost license with the glory, like litter left to lie out in the sun?

So what does that mean for my Christianity, that I am not pondering who is getting the glory? Am I an apathetic glory monger? [gasp]

Next question: are you comfortable with God speaking into your life? I can answer this question quite simply: heck no! Now let me explain. do I feel comfortable with God, the Lord of All Creation talking to me about any willy nilly thing he wants? NO! Frankly, whenever God wants to say something to me, it is generally something uncomfortable or something I don't want to hear... so why would I like it? Do I, do my best, to accept it? Yes (kinda). So there you go...

What about you? Honestly consider these questions: Who is getting the glory for the things you are doing? Are you comfortable with God speaking into your life?

A Muscle Relaxes

The other day I was riding the bus and I felt myself relax. After being here for three months and getting used to a culture where I knew so little about so much, I am finally beginning to feel myself relax, kind of like a muscle after a long strain. It is weird to think that people are starting up school (although I am surprisingly not sad about that). I cannot believe that I am over half way done with PRIME.

This is going to be a very random blog post, so for that, I apologize. So - I went camping last week and as I am sure you can guess, I would have rather been a million other places than sleeping in a tent in the cold, constant rain. But the time with the kids was good. It was very different for me because my DPK and Westies were in the same place at the same time. Some of the kids were absolutely atrocious with their behavior and were sent home on several occasions (I thought we were a little too forgiving at times).

This past week has been me on holiday, getting used to the new place where I am staying, and overall just trying to figure out my life for the next three months. I am very torn because I want to do more than I have time for. I naturally want to drop all my detached work and just spend time working in groups with my kids, but I don't think that is going to work.

I had a very interesting conversation with an elderly woman the other day (look at me be politically correct). She, after hearing I work in West Belfast, told me she had NEVER been to West Belfast in her entire life during which she lived in Belfast. This is a perfect example of Northern Ireland. A woman can go 60+ years without ever traveling twenty minutes to the other side of the city because of their religious affiliation. FASCINATING!

I think God and I are starting to see a little more eye to eye on some issues here. Of course, I wouldn't be me if I wasn't wrestling with Him the whole time, but you know how that goes right?

[Looking back, this is a very uneventful blog post. I kinda felt pressured into writing it because everyone else was doing it...]

Would you like the PSNI with your Happy Meal?

Warning: The below story may frighten you and I wish I could say "I was safe the whole time" but honestly, I wasn't and neither were the kids we were in charge of. But this is what I came to Ireland for and I will not be ashamed of that.

Last night, we took the Downpatrick group (age 11-15) to some Ice Rink (the only ice rink in NI). It was fairly smooth and I ran into Amber which was a great surprise! I did have to stop a fight during it, but it was nothing more than the usual scream fest with a few pushes and shoving. However, afterwards we decided to drive down the road to McDonald's and that is when the night started to take a turn for the worst.

Once inside, apparently one of the kids thought it would be a good idea to start waving his Celtics scarf around, which is a Catholic team. When I say this, I honestly mean that 99.9% of Catholics support the Celtics. This infuriated a group of younger men (probably age 16-19) who were all wearing Ranger gear (the Protestant team). At first, some words of anger were exchanged (at this point, I finished ordering my food and turned around to see all of this) and the group of Protestants (from now on called Loyalists) left the McDonald's.

I thought everything would be over, but I quickly learned from the banging on the McD's glass, that the Loyalists hadn't left, they were just waiting outside for us to leave. They were egging on our guys and beginning to frighten them. I don't think many of them will admit to this, but they were scared and had no idea things would go this far. The management of McD's eventually went outside to stop them from banging on the glass. So they began to call their friends, and their numbers were growing.

By now, things were really tense. Our guys were all refusing to sit down, cursing under their breaths, getting scared but holding it back by cursing and yelling at the windows and the leaders in charge. We tried to keep them in a small group and stop them from making threatening gestures at the Loyalists. Jonny (the youth worker in charge) called the PSNI (the police), asking for an escort out of McDonald's. The Loyalists were honestly going to jump us once we walked out.

The kids were furious! They absolutely hate the police. It was frustrating watching several policemen WALK BY McDonald's without turning to help us. Sure, they could say they were ignorant of the situation, but that would be a lie! There is no way they missed the yelling and chanting of the Loyalists crying they were going to kill the Fein-ins (Catholic political group). Thankfully, some police showed up, and we were able to get an escort out of the building.

At this point, myself and the other leaders were able to let go of our stress a little. Some of us were shaking and everyone was absolutely terrified and thankful to be safe. It was a very stressful situation and we were honestly thankful to God that no one was hurt. Towards the end, the Loyalists were coming inside and sitting down by our tables.

The situation in Ireland can still, at times, be very bad. However, there is still good going on. I mean, all of the youth worker leaders at the time of this incident were all Protestants protecting Catholic kids. No one knew that of course, but it was true. Thankfully, the kids were safe and that is what matters. And I made it out too (safely, mother).