The Recesses

Because Someone Asked

2011-04-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

April 10th has brought me a cold breeze on a warm day. April 10th has brought me change and uncertainty as well. In less than two short months, I will officially be without a home and without a summer job as of right now. I am currently waiting on a phone call from Jason Coon, the director at Miracle Camp and Retreat Center. He is going to tell me whether or not I have a job for the summer. It should be interesting, either answer.

April 10th seems so nice. I haven't done much today except take the dog for a walk and bake some cookies that turned out mediocre. Why is mediocre some invisible wall I can't seem to pass when it comes to making cookies? You know that rise in the throat feeling, where you know something is coming and you don't know what it is? For me, that feeling is usually a close bed-fellow with wasteful, short activities, like cooking, organizing folders in my computer, and blogging, all just to waste the time when that event finally arrives.

Sometimes I'm jealous of the lives of animals. Mostly the domestic variety. They lounge around, eat what is put in front of them, and occasionally get reprimanded by big humans who yell at them in a language they can't understand. Still though, I envy them sometimes.

The rustle of the curtains reminds me that it is 3:00 and I am ready for a nap.

My Love List

2009-11-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

I have decided to reawaken an old practice of making a love list in honor of Thanksgiving coming up. These are all things that I really enjoy about life, things that make me feel pristinely human.

1) board games

2) tables that are just the right size for whatever you are doing (eating, talking, tea, etc)

3) the smell of chlorine

4) the smell of winter

5) French toast

6) sneaking a drink of my mom's diet coke

7) tattling on my sister for #6

8) Kodiak (my dog)

9) A close race between Cohen and I in Mario Kart

10) when I can be as nerdy as I can and no one judges me for it

11) Spontaneous dance parties

12) Showering

13) Tea that isn't too hot, but hot enough

14) Getting a tie that matches a shirt perfectly

15) Singing really loudly in the car to a song that is WAY too inappropriate but no one cares

16) singing a duet in the car with someone

17) Singing a song with your iPod earphones in, knowing you don't sound that good, but you don't care

18) Christmas trees

19) Cinnamon rolls

20) mornings when YOU decide when you wake up

21) SAB

22) The feeling of release

23) Playing catch [I'm not sure how many people know I like this]

24) The womb

25) Losing track of time when reading a book

26) The number 8

27) Sunglasses

28) My favorite spot on campus, on the far side of SnoTip, under that weird tree by the stop sign

29) Belfast (especially West)

30) DPK

31) Athens at night, when all the ruins are lit up

32) Someone complimenting my writing

33) When a pencil writes with just the right thickness

34) The Fantasticas

35) Laughing until I cry and it hurts

36) The Alchemist

37) chills from a song

38) Tiffany and I making fun of Valerie's driving skills [they really do lack]

39) Competition

40) Miracle Camp

41) Boat parties

42) Breakfast (eggs, toast, orange juice, waffles)

43) Saturday mornings in the DC, you never know who is going to be there and who you will sit with!

44) Sunny spring days

45) Driving with the windows down

46) Giving massages

47) Warm bed, cold pillow

48) Reliving old memories

49) SMA

50) 90s songs

51) Making someone laugh far more than you intended

52) Swimming and having stupid water competitions, such as breath holding and races and treading water

53) Console games where the competition is based entirely on who can push the A button the fastest

54) Getting as many people on my bed as possible (that sounds so wrong)

55) Seeing how far away I can go with a cordless phone

56) Waking up on the bus just in time for my stop

I could keep going, but I don't think anyone is going to read anymore.

What the journey is all about?

2009-10-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

Thirty days, number the hours, number the days.

I stand upon the precipice of change.

A cloud distant coming.

Okay, enough shoddy attempts at writing for me. I just finished watching the movie 'Up' which, if you haven't seen it, please do. I realize it is a children's movie, but it is still quite good in my opinion. I found it to be a very interesting movie to watch, coming upon the last thirty days of my time here in Northern Ireland. So much of that movie is talking about not pushing off your dreams and realizing that adventures aren't about static goals, but rather fluid plans, bending and changing like the terrain of the earth you travel over.

I came into PRIME with goals, ideas, constructions. I came wanting to put my house on top of Paradise Falls (movie reference). But then, people/goals/troubles/talking dogs (movie reference) seemingly got in the way and diverted my path. However, just as Carl Fredricksen (main character of movie) realized, I have come to the conclusion that adventures rarely go the way we planned, but in the end, it is the Spirit of Adventure we sought all along, and it is modern culture that says we need a goal.

Did Bilbo Baggins find the adventure he thought he would take? Did Rand discover that adventures are everything that the ol' bards tales told of? Is there really an ending that makes sense 100% of the time? I don't think so, and I actually like it that way.

You see, the people I have met here, the places I have seen, the problems I have had, the joys I have been blessed with, are more of an adventure than I could have ever imagined. The hard part is letting go of my house (movie reference) so that I can have those side adventures. In fact, the side adventures ARE the adventure. Tangents aren't meant to be detours, they are meant to be untrodden rabbit paths leading to whole new worlds!

I have 29 days left really and feeling like I am on the home stretch has filled me with trepidation. Emotions wrap themselves around me closer than even my rain jacket does. But these are my companions at the moment and if this past 5 months have taught me anything, it is that seeking dreams is rarely fantasy, but a hard reality that can weigh you down. The trick is to, while your back is bent, notice the flowers growing along the path you trod.

A great silence overcomes me,

and I wonder why I ever thought

to use language.

-Rumi

That Little Vial

2009-09-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

I have little to no artistic ability. I wish I did. I wish I had forced myself, when I was younger, to slave away at sketches so that today, I could be an accomplished artist.

What is so alluring about the ability to draw, paint, mold or sculpt? Why is it so sought after? I think it is because we all long to create.

Creation is a bonding process. Be it a paint, a paper written for class, or a batch of cookies, whenever we pour our very selves into the creation of something, we find ourselves linked to it.

It is almost like we have a little vial of ourselves inside us, and when we create, we pour an amount of ourselves into that creation.

So right now, I am experienceing a need to empty my vial. I just want to pour myself into a project. My creativity is boiling, my hands fidgeting, my mind wanders.

I seek release. I seek to pour.

Is this universal? Does everyone feel this need? This itch? How can it be satisfied? How do you satisfy it?

My vial seems to be linked to so many aspects of my life. Is it my search for meaning? My search for self-expression? Or better yet, my masculine-driven need to have work?

Somehow, I think it is simply my need to bond through creation. And I think we all have it. I would be very disappointed if others did not feel this need. It is one of the biggest driving forces in my life. A constant seek to pour.

So what about you? What does your vial seek to pour itself into?

A Day's Deviations

2009-09-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my life, Christianity, philosophy, mindsets, character and humor. And since I am currently cluttered up inside the seashell called the PC, I am going to allow this tidal wave of thoughts drift to the surface.

In my readings of Spiritual Leadership by Blackaby, some very probing questions have really challenged me and made me question a lot of aspects of my life. Questions like 'who is getting the glory for the things you are doing?' and 'are you comfortable with God speaking into your life?' So allow me to now answer some of these questions out loud to you... well, out loud in the sense that you can hear me in your head like you heard a bad Justin Timberlake song in 2005, playing over and over again.

Who gets the glory for the things I do? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I am weird (wouldn't surprise me) but I don't spend much time, or any at all for that matter, thinking about who is getting the glory for things I do. Does that mean I am getting the glory? I don't think so, but maybe. Does that mean God is getting the glory? Maybe, but probably not. So does that mean that yesterday, when I picked up a woman's license off the ground and handed it to she who had unknowingly dropped it onto the pavement, God wasn't getting the glory? I didn't want the glory, I didn't think of glory at all. So where did it go? Did I replace the lost license with the glory, like litter left to lie out in the sun?

So what does that mean for my Christianity, that I am not pondering who is getting the glory? Am I an apathetic glory monger? [gasp]

Next question: are you comfortable with God speaking into your life? I can answer this question quite simply: heck no! Now let me explain. do I feel comfortable with God, the Lord of All Creation talking to me about any willy nilly thing he wants? NO! Frankly, whenever God wants to say something to me, it is generally something uncomfortable or something I don't want to hear... so why would I like it? Do I, do my best, to accept it? Yes (kinda). So there you go...

What about you? Honestly consider these questions: Who is getting the glory for the things you are doing? Are you comfortable with God speaking into your life?

A Muscle Relaxes

2009-08-30T14:54:00.000-07:00

The other day I was riding the bus and I felt myself relax. After being here for three months and getting used to a culture where I knew so little about so much, I am finally beginning to feel myself relax, kind of like a muscle after a long strain. It is weird to think that people are starting up school (although I am surprisingly not sad about that). I cannot believe that I am over half way done with PRIME.

This is going to be a very random blog post, so for that, I apologize. So - I went camping last week and as I am sure you can guess, I would have rather been a million other places than sleeping in a tent in the cold, constant rain. But the time with the kids was good. It was very different for me because my DPK and Westies were in the same place at the same time. Some of the kids were absolutely atrocious with their behavior and were sent home on several occasions (I thought we were a little too forgiving at times).

This past week has been me on holiday, getting used to the new place where I am staying, and overall just trying to figure out my life for the next three months. I am very torn because I want to do more than I have time for. I naturally want to drop all my detached work and just spend time working in groups with my kids, but I don't think that is going to work.

I had a very interesting conversation with an elderly woman the other day (look at me be politically correct). She, after hearing I work in West Belfast, told me she had NEVER been to West Belfast in her entire life during which she lived in Belfast. This is a perfect example of Northern Ireland. A woman can go 60+ years without ever traveling twenty minutes to the other side of the city because of their religious affiliation. FASCINATING!

I think God and I are starting to see a little more eye to eye on some issues here. Of course, I wouldn't be me if I wasn't wrestling with Him the whole time, but you know how that goes right?

[Looking back, this is a very uneventful blog post. I kinda felt pressured into writing it because everyone else was doing it...]

Would you like the PSNI with your Happy Meal?

2009-08-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

Warning: The below story may frighten you and I wish I could say "I was safe the whole time" but honestly, I wasn't and neither were the kids we were in charge of. But this is what I came to Ireland for and I will not be ashamed of that.

Last night, we took the Downpatrick group (age 11-15) to some Ice Rink (the only ice rink in NI). It was fairly smooth and I ran into Amber which was a great surprise! I did have to stop a fight during it, but it was nothing more than the usual scream fest with a few pushes and shoving. However, afterwards we decided to drive down the road to McDonald's and that is when the night started to take a turn for the worst.

Once inside, apparently one of the kids thought it would be a good idea to start waving his Celtics scarf around, which is a Catholic team. When I say this, I honestly mean that 99.9% of Catholics support the Celtics. This infuriated a group of younger men (probably age 16-19) who were all wearing Ranger gear (the Protestant team). At first, some words of anger were exchanged (at this point, I finished ordering my food and turned around to see all of this) and the group of Protestants (from now on called Loyalists) left the McDonald's.

I thought everything would be over, but I quickly learned from the banging on the McD's glass, that the Loyalists hadn't left, they were just waiting outside for us to leave. They were egging on our guys and beginning to frighten them. I don't think many of them will admit to this, but they were scared and had no idea things would go this far. The management of McD's eventually went outside to stop them from banging on the glass. So they began to call their friends, and their numbers were growing.

By now, things were really tense. Our guys were all refusing to sit down, cursing under their breaths, getting scared but holding it back by cursing and yelling at the windows and the leaders in charge. We tried to keep them in a small group and stop them from making threatening gestures at the Loyalists. Jonny (the youth worker in charge) called the PSNI (the police), asking for an escort out of McDonald's. The Loyalists were honestly going to jump us once we walked out.

The kids were furious! They absolutely hate the police. It was frustrating watching several policemen WALK BY McDonald's without turning to help us. Sure, they could say they were ignorant of the situation, but that would be a lie! There is no way they missed the yelling and chanting of the Loyalists crying they were going to kill the Fein-ins (Catholic political group). Thankfully, some police showed up, and we were able to get an escort out of the building.

At this point, myself and the other leaders were able to let go of our stress a little. Some of us were shaking and everyone was absolutely terrified and thankful to be safe. It was a very stressful situation and we were honestly thankful to God that no one was hurt. Towards the end, the Loyalists were coming inside and sitting down by our tables.

The situation in Ireland can still, at times, be very bad. However, there is still good going on. I mean, all of the youth worker leaders at the time of this incident were all Protestants protecting Catholic kids. No one knew that of course, but it was true. Thankfully, the kids were safe and that is what matters. And I made it out too (safely, mother).

Where am I?

2009-07-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

I am about to begin writing. I have no idea what is going to come from this, I just know that it is time for me to update my blog and a lot has happened since I last left you all.

I am addicted to repetition. I like schedules. I simply feel better about life when five Mondays in a row all play out the same. If three whole weeks go by with a consistent plan, I feel like I am walking on sunshine (whooa-oh). However, the past three weeks has not been this way. I had Summer Madness, Urban Soul, and then a trip to Athens. All of this was good and enjoyable and God worked (I think), but I was drained, cranky, and surprisingly frustrated at being so far from home, family and friends from whom I gain support.

Thankfully, God is a firm foundation and He still wants to be my God. Otherwise, I would be a very... unagreeable person (although, this is still true at times...). I wish that I could say that God has given me a magical chariot ride through learning here on PRIME, but I don't feel that way. I wish I could say that my ministry has been so uplifting and that I have seen God change lives... but I haven't. In fact, my ministry has sent me home disheartened and irritable at times. But God is still my firm foundation, and of this I am more and more convinced everyday. Not in a magical way or in a show-off way, but simply in a way that is grounded in the fact that although situations here can appear dark, gloomy, and unstable at times, God has not changed.

I find myself wondering often about how we challenge youth. Are we even challenging them? I am reading a book for PRIME, called Practicing Passion, and although it was a very rough start to a book, I am now finding it very challenging. Why are we leaving our youth in the shallow end of the pool? Why do we wonder why youth are leaving when they become adults when we kept them in a faith meant for a 12 year old? Why do we settle for silly games, ice breakers, and semi-complicated teachings sessions when we have Communion, HONEST fellowship, and community repentance at our disposal?

Next rant, who am I? I am finding that the way many people define me here to be very different from the way people define me back home. This is slightly disturbing. I think that I have become that weird kid who doesn't have friends and is completely content to sit in his room, watching 30 Rock or read a book when he isn't working. Oh, and he cleans and cooks too. Who is that? Is that me? Why? When did this happen? Is that okay?

As you can see, I am ranting and raving and struggling and rejoicing and just plain old experiencing life. I am a dramatic person, so much of this is very over blown, but who wants to read about another PRIME that is going fantastic!? Not me.

Don't get me wrong, I am really enjoying myself here. I am honestly living my dream in many ways. But in many other ways, I am just living my life, ups, downs and lines to the coaster.

Justin-5, Life - 0

2009-06-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

I am kicking life's butt right now. There is simply no other way to put it. Let me tell you of my last couple of days.

Point Number 1 - I plan my trip to Athens. This is going to be so exciting. Hanging out with Britt will be spectacular and she has so many awesome things planned. And it is probably going to cost me only a bout 250 pounds all together, all expenses there, i.e., food, plane tickets, bus fare, the whole shebang.

Point Number 2 - I get my rent reduced massively. Pretty much went over to my landlord's house and he started talking to me about how I was enjoying the house. I said it was fine and then he asked about some specific stuff like my room, bedding, water, and other things he had heard rumors about. When he heard that I went five days without hot water, that I have no storage in my room since it is all taken up by the other housemates, and that the house is absolutely filthy, he decided to reduce my rent from 150 pounds a month to merely a 150 pounds, period. So I can live in this house for 150 pounds, which means I saved 300 pounds! WOOO HOOO!

Point Number 3 - Zorbing. It has always been one of my life goals to get into a big plastic ball and spin in it as it rolls down a hill. Have you seen those before? Well, I thought, that will never happen, then, as I was looking through the events of Summer Madness (a retreat I will be going on in a couple of days), I discovered that they are having a zorbing event. I look up 'zorbing' and sure enough, it is that big plastic ball thing! I will be doing that this Saturday! BOOM!

Point Number 4 - Tai chi lessons. So, I have always been interested in Tai Chi and other ancient forms of expression and martial arts. Well, every Sunday I have passed these two people doing Tai Chi and wished I could join them. Well, this past Sunday, I got the guts to go talk to them and I found out that they are just doing it for fun and the guy there was the instructor. I asked if I could join and he said sure! So pretty much I am getting weekly Tai Chi lessons for FREE! I did 3 1/2 hours on Monday and it was entirely FREE!! BOOM!

Point Number 5 - Master Chef. So I have decided to cook my own food, and get creative since sandwiches and porridge just aren't going to cut it anymore. So, on Friday, I tried my hand at chicken stir-fry. I quickly discovered that I was going to have to improvise on my measuring (no measuring cup) and some of the ingrediants. It turned out not half bad. Then just today, I decided to make up a recipe for chicken breading, since you can't buy it here. And pretty much, making it all up as I went along, using the basic understand of chicken breading, I freaking made the best chicken I ever had. Even another housemate here loved it! Boom!

Eat it life (this was kind of long... sorry).

Why yes, Mr. Gerardot, I would love to hang out with you.

2009-06-17T03:33:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, the other guys of my household decided to throw a birthday party for one of the guy's little sisters. I believe she was turning 20 and so they threw an 80's birthday party for her. It was cool, except I was not informed about it until yesterday at work. I was okay with it, not a big deal.

Now, as many of you know, I am an extrovert. However, upon coming to Ireland, I have become probably more introverted due to culture shock and not having any friends... well, last night was a great opportunity for me to hang out with a bunch of people my age and have a good time.

So, upon arriving home after a 9 hour work day, I honestly wasn't up for a party very much (not that I do parties much anyway). So, I hung out downstairs with the party for about, a 1/2 hour, had a non-alcoholic drink (it sucked) and talked with some people and met some new ones too. Then, I retired to my room (did I mention this was a drinking party?) Anyway, I hung out with myself for a while, then went back down, talked to some more people, hung out for maybe another 1/2 hour, then retired to my room at like... midnight. So, basically, I hung out with myself last night despite a party going on two floors below me.

And this is what I learned... that what I did last night was okay. Surprised? I discovered last night in my pondering that I felt pressured by my friends (intentional, unintentional, and perceived) to be social and hang out downstairs. I could hear [insert friend's name here] saying 'Justin! Go downstairs and have a good time!' I could hear [another friend] say 'Justin! You are in Ireland! You are wasting your time!' But you know what, I decided that this wasn't true. Be it for whatever reason, it is okay that I am not mister super social here! I realize that socializing is important, and trust me, I do a lot of it during my job and sometimes at home too, but I shouldn't feel like i HAVE to.

Along this wave of thought, I began to find myself comparing my choice in introversion and compared it to another new arrival intern whose name shall be unsaid. Intern (as I shall call this person) has been here for less time than me and is only 18 but since having arrived he has been out and about almost every night, but consequently, has been drunk almost every night. Anyway, I found myself comparing my actions to his, thinking, 'It is better to be antisocial than be that.' Then I stopped, and thought, 'Why am I comparing myself to him? Is there a point in that? It isn't uplifting AND I don't have to compare who I am to someone else!'

So, I have arrived at the decision that for now, it is okay for me to be an introvert. I like my company (for now) and when I am ready to be more social, I will be. The important issue at hand here is that I choose whatever works for me (wow... that sounds relativistic).

Pondering the Breadth

2009-06-12T02:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, YI did something that I was surprised at and thought was an excellent choice. For Lifeline (15-18 yr olds) we had interviews for the Summer Schemes (kind of like summer school without the education). Let me explain. Summer Schemes is a time when YI will host activities that last all day long for young kids in the neighborhood. We use 15-18 year olds to volunteer and help run it as we, YI staff, are in charge of programming. It is a really intense time of year and I am really looking forward to it. But yesterday, we held volunteer interviews.

This was a really good activity and one that I think other youth organizations should implement more often. It is given the young people a change to develop skills they will need in the future, while boosting their confidence too. They get feedback as to how they did during their interview, are put through pretty stressful waiting, and are not guaranteed a spot. All of this is made to feel as life like as possible.

I really liked the way it work and hopefully, the way it turns out. Today we have a volunteers dinner for all the volunteers from the past year, recognizing their efforts and work. Tomorrow, we have a men's breakfast, all day long football (soccer) tournament followed by... another dinner! I love dinner! So yeah, tomorrow should be an all day long event... 9 AM to 9 PM. Dang... too bad I don't get paid... lol.

A Whole New World

2009-06-02T13:19:00.000-07:00

I still have not figured out this culture at all. Today, we played soccer with some of the TARGET guys (TARGET is the guys program for kids who are more serious about their commitment to YI). We went to Lady Dixon, a park in Poleglass [Catholic] part of town.

Once there, we hit the football [soccer ball] around a bit when we approached by some lad who challenged us to a soccer game. Before we knew it, we were on the field with a whole posse of drinking, bare chested guys who are of an indiscernible age. I of course am intimidated into silence as we set up the field using bags of alcohol and unadorned shirts. I get put on the team of drinking Irishmen and only one other YI staffer. I thought - 'great... I get to be the States kid on the Drunken Family Reunion team.'

Well, we played for a long time and they were actually pretty nice. Aside from their foul language, whenever someone messed up, the phrase 'unlucky' was thrown out frequently, almost like they were saying it wasn't the person's fault that ball went astray. So, envision with me this scene. A bunch of shirtless white guys playing soccer, drinking beer on an open field, yelling profanities and ... semi-encouragements, having a good time as their family sits about twenty feet away, older men and women, laughing and enjoying more beer on a Tuesday than the average Frat house on a Friday. In addition to this, I can't understand entirely what they are saying as apparently one of the guys had the last name of Niger. Yep.... awkward.

This culture is so interesting. This was during a YI excursion! I never felt in danger at any point, but I definitely have felt less awkward in my life. It was very interesting. Looking back, I think it is kind of funny, but then, it was just interesting.

Bus rides, Noise-aholics, and Football

2009-05-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

Well, today was my third day in Belfast and my second day on the job. I was supposed to catch the 11 o'clock 530 bus but it doesn't exist. SO, I showed up at YI at 1 roughly after having caught the noon bus and walked about ten minutes after having gone past my destination. But you know, it happens.

I am currently reading Chuck Palahniuk's novel 'Lullaby' and I am loving it. I love his style of writing and even though it is a bit dark, I found the content to be very humorous and true. He is using the idea that words have power (and in the case of the book, the power to kill). But he makes many references to the fact that we as a world culture are growing more and more to be noise-aholics. He says we can't stand silence and we can't handle the idea of silence. He talks about our music being loud and our talking being constant. He lists of many different things and I think it is true. He contemplates a world where if everyone knew of the Culling Song (a song in the book that can kill), then the world would put a ban on noise. Everywhere, silence would abound. He used the phrase, 'A word is worth a thousand pictures' because every minute word you whispered would have to be precious. You would not want to listen to someone and they speak the culling song. You would die! It was very interesting... contemplate on it. What is sound was a weapon? A mere sentence could kill, eight lines long, ten seconds to speak. If you heard it, you would die.

Finally, football happened today. The kids I was playing with were kids from the West Belfast community (Catholic and rough). They were cursing up a storm and being very rough in the game play. And they were naturally very good. All of these things combined made me very intimidated. They were all good enough to play on any college team, plus they were badass enough to beat me up. It was a thrill and I did not like it. LOL. Next Tuesday I play with the 11- 14 year olds (Lifeline is 15-18). Hopefully that goes better.

I like it here a lot. It is growing on me more and more every day. But I still miss home...

Street Crossing, Airplanes and Dependance

2009-05-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

Dearest friends, family and loved ones,

This is my first post since arriving in Ireland. I am going to be the first person to admit this is harder than I thought. It finally occurred to me today, sitting in the living room of my boss's house that I am on PRIME in another country for six months! Whoa!

I am overwhelmed. That is the only way to describe it. Between everyone being a stranger, living in a new culture, and entering into a new PRIME experience, my body doesn't know how to handle things. BAH!

This place really is beautiful. I took a couple of pictures, but not nearly enough to post anything yet. My room is modest but it is my own and I am grateful for it. I have a moderate headache, which is probably from a lack of sleep.

Despite my initial feelings, I have faith that this is where God wants me. I have faith that he has prepared me for this place and has prepared this place for me. I will learn through hardships and not just let them happen. It will be my choice and that is my decision. I am not going to let a bad situation choose me. I am sure that my anxiety is coming from my feelings of being overwhelmed and that in a week's time, I will be all about this place again (even now, I feel much better about it than before).

Days Until Something

2009-05-20T11:15:00.000-07:00

I find myself at the precipice of traveling to Ireland, overlooking a major change and growth period in my life I am sure. However, looking over the edge, I cannot help but not believe I am here. I find myself in denial of the fact that I will soon be leaving. Do I need to pack? Do I need to start saying goodbye? Do I need to be more intentional about my time? The answer to these questions and more is 'no' and 'yes' at the same time.

No because I don't believe it is really happening. Yes because I know it is.

I can only guess what God has planned over there for me. I can only imagine how tough it is going to be and how rewarding. I can only deny it is going to happen until the moment before, then face it.

2009-04-06T09:04:00.000-07:00

Confessions of a Bad Christian

2009-03-30T05:33:00.001-07:00

Being a Christian, for me, is a very hard task to do.

It is hard to me to get up in the morning and dedicate my day to God. It is hard for me spend my every minute in prayer with God. Sometimes I even feel a barrier between myself and God.

But have you ever tried walking away? I will be the first to stand up and say that I have. I have honestly thought to myself that God did not exist and that He was merely a creation of Man to make themselves sleep better at night. But it didn't work...

God is a haunting deity. He will not let me leave. It may be uncomfortable to be in his presence and it may even seem crazy to believe in him, but whenever I try to walk away, he won't leave me alone. It is like having a ghost trailing you wherever you go, not giving you a second's rest. God speaks clearest to me when he is haunting me. I am always drawn back to him because he is always drawing me back.

I have confidence in this about God. He is real and I have tested it. This (along with reasons 1-50) make me a bad Christian, but it is the path that I have taken. I will give an account eventually, but until then, I am just going to keep on walking.

Identity

2009-03-18T19:34:00.000-07:00

Today I heard the cry of many people. I heard it in the voices of those around me and in places I could not see. I hear it across the room of the restaurant and I heard it from across the sea.

It is a cry of a people who just want to be. It is a cry of people who no longer want to be labeled. I heard the cry of a woman who no longer wanted to be known as depressed but as a woman who struggles with depression. I heard a man cry out that he was not a prideful man but a man who struggles with pride.

I heard the cry of many people today who feel that they cannot escape. They cannot escape their own self but other's are saying to do just that. They say 'depressed woman - stop being sad' or 'prideful man - think of yourself less.'

When did these people lose their identity? When did they go from boy to prideful man? Was it on a Thursday?...Monday?...God forbid it was on a Sunday!

I heard the cry of a man who no longer wanted to be a self-destructive person but a man who struggles with self-destruction. I heard the cry of a woman who no longer wanted to be known as materialistic but as someone who struggles with materialism.

If God created us each then did he create materialistic woman...? Or did he just create woman? And if he just created woman, then why do we slap other names on her? Did God give us the right to name her?

Why are people their sin? Why are people more their sin than their Savior? WHY IS IT THE HARDEST PART OF DYING TO OUR SELF IS CONVINCING OTHERS TO LET OUR SELVES BE DEAD TO OUR SIN?

I heard the cry of a man who no longer wanted to be known as a homosexual, but a man who struggles with homosexuality. I heard the cry of a woman who no longer wanted to be a slut but a woman who struggles with finding self-love.

Jesus did not look at the Samaritan woman and see an adulteress. He saw a woman who struggled with lust. God created humans that live in a world of struggles, but he did not create beings who would later find their lives in that struggle.

We need to stop it. We need to stop looking at people and identifying them with their struggles. We all just want to be people. We don't want to be our struggles. No one does. That is the cry of humanity. That is the longing in our hearts. We are all searching for identity and people daily notify us that it is in our struggles. JERK! WHORE! SLUT! GAY! SINNER! We are not our struggles.

Treat someone today as a human being. Treat everyone today as a human being. It is the greatest gift you can give them.

Realignment

2009-03-15T14:43:00.000-07:00

I really enjoy my home church. It is refreshing, re-energizing, and freeing all at the same time. I enjoy the music we sing and the people who are there. We have a new pastor and Goble (camp friend) is the intern youth pastor.

But most of all, I really enjoy the car ride to church. For me, it runs close to a half an hour to get there and it is full of winding, looping, train track covered pathways. I was thinking today about how much my car ride is like my spiritual life. (I know, I am over spiritualizing a little).

Do you ever feel like it is the ride that matters more than the destination? I mean, do you ride a roller coaster for the end (which - might I add - is only twenty feet behind where you started?) NO! You ride for the between-times. My life is a between time. Sometimes I get distracted and have to take a long way and other times, there are trains that make me slower than normal or bring to me a halt all-together. There are spots along the way to church that always remind me of good times (and there are spots that remind of really bad times too).

There is always this other church on the way to my church that has ridiculous signs. You know, the typical, catchy Christian phrase that always disturbs you? Well, this week it reads 'CH CH ....what is missing?' ..... really? If this church represents something in my spiritual walk, it is the tendency to get angry at the 'typical Christian' or the Christianese our faith tends to attract.

I also pass endearing friends houses and (I am not ashamed to be honest here) people's houses whom I dislike to a very high degree. These people and houses represent different parts of myself that have helped me and hindered me along the way.

I guess I feel, lately, that my Christian walk is NOT good enough. It is becoming a daily struggle of mine to accept the grace of God. THAT is the part of God that most scares me personally. And taking that trip to church reminded me so much that the path, though it is scary and trouble filled, always leads me to church (GOD). No matter what. God isn't going anywhere and even though I might be stopped by a train next to one of those bad memories houses, the church is still waiting and so is God.

The JESUS Prayer

2009-03-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

Picture this with me. You are standing in a group of Christians and you are all having a time of intercession. The lights may or may not be dimmed and people are mumbling out loud or making that weird gasping noise with their voices that they always do when they pray.

"Dear heavenly Father, I just pray that you be with ______. I pray for your guiding hand in their lives Father. Show them your love and kindess Father, as they struggle through ______. You are awesome God! You are the supreme Father. I pray that you make this clear to them at this time. Help _____ Father. I pray that your strong hand enter into their lives and free them from _____. May all this be in Jesus' wonderful and glorious name. Amen"

If this is you, please stand up....(standing)

I was praying the other day and I stopped to listened to myself and the above words are pretty much what I heard. I heard the word 'just', 'pray', and 'Father' more than any other word. And the tone of my voice!? I felt like I was whispering out agonies from my lips!

I don't know if this disturbs you, but it disturbs me deeply. Why does it seem that prayer is no longer a communication with God but a ritualistic, emotional experience? I don't know what else to call the seemingly pointless change in my voice and dialect.

I can hear you saying already, 'It is because I am talking to my LORD and savior. I am in a condition of reverence and humility.' Okay - let's examine this. Did Jesus do this? When in Jesus' ministry did his dialect change when he was talking to God? (NOTE: When I use the word dialect, I don't necessarily mean the slang or terminology, but rather the frequency of words used and the habitual manner in which we speak that may or may not align properly with the current state of affairs.)

I can find no evidence of such a change in Jesus. In fact, once I opened my Bible, I found this verse: "When you pray, don't babble on and on as people of other religions do." (Matthew 6). This passage is quickly followed by the 'Our Father' or 'The Lord's Prayer.'

By the way, have you ever compared your prayers to the prayers of Jesus? Do you notice how short they are!? I know that my prayers are considerable longer (windbag) and more emotional (makes me vomit in my mouth). If you really want to add on to that challenge, start looking at the prayers of our founding fathers!! They blow us out of the water.

HU is currently on this 'all about me songs' but I wonder how many people look at 'all about me' prayers. Can your prayer be for others, but be driven and empowered by yourself? I would say yes.

Now...in honor of my prayer (and all those who will admit their problems with this), you an at least say it may be heartfelt (or it is habitual). I think this is something that is worth some serious thought. I may be the only one...but I doubt it. Do you communicate with God in a manner that speaks of habitual phrases or honest communication? I think our prayer should be more professional, concise, and less emotionally driven. Why does humility and reverence have to result in us babbling and sounding like an emotional wreck? I have recently fallen in love with writing our my prayers and just reciting already written prayers. It eliminates so many different problems that I addressed.

Just my thoughts...

Attempt Number 2

2009-03-08T16:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this is attempt number two for me and blogspot. We had a little upset last time and I decided blogging was not worth it again. However, it continued to haunt me, as many things in my life do, and here I am, creating the second - first post.

This is really a blog for people who care, honestly. I won't be posting radical thoughts nor amazing events. It won't be a wondrous theological source in your life and it probably won't drastically change your worldview.

But it will convey me. Whatever that means for the day, the post, the rambling. It will be me. I can expect nothing better and produce nothing less. It may contain strange metaphors or blatant truths (or maybe both at the same time).

I consider myself an artist of words, so read with that in mind.