Confessions of a Bad Christian

Being a Christian, for me, is a very hard task to do.

It is hard to me to get up in the morning and dedicate my day to God. It is hard for me spend my every minute in prayer with God. Sometimes I even feel a barrier between myself and God.

But have you ever tried walking away? I will be the first to stand up and say that I have. I have honestly thought to myself that God did not exist and that He was merely a creation of Man to make themselves sleep better at night. But it didn't work...

God is a haunting deity. He will not let me leave. It may be uncomfortable to be in his presence and it may even seem crazy to believe in him, but whenever I try to walk away, he won't leave me alone. It is like having a ghost trailing you wherever you go, not giving you a second's rest. God speaks clearest to me when he is haunting me. I am always drawn back to him because he is always drawing me back.

I have confidence in this about God. He is real and I have tested it. This (along with reasons 1-50) make me a bad Christian, but it is the path that I have taken. I will give an account eventually, but until then, I am just going to keep on walking.

Identity

Today I heard the cry of many people. I heard it in the voices of those around me and in places I could not see. I hear it across the room of the restaurant and I heard it from across the sea.

It is a cry of a people who just want to be. It is a cry of people who no longer want to be labeled. I heard the cry of a woman who no longer wanted to be known as depressed but as a woman who struggles with depression. I heard a man cry out that he was not a prideful man but a man who struggles with pride.

I heard the cry of many people today who feel that they cannot escape. They cannot escape their own self but other's are saying to do just that. They say 'depressed woman - stop being sad' or 'prideful man - think of yourself less.'

When did these people lose their identity? When did they go from boy to prideful man? Was it on a Thursday?...Monday?...God forbid it was on a Sunday!

I heard the cry of a man who no longer wanted to be a self-destructive person but a man who struggles with self-destruction. I heard the cry of a woman who no longer wanted to be known as materialistic but as someone who struggles with materialism.

If God created us each then did he create materialistic woman...? Or did he just create woman? And if he just created woman, then why do we slap other names on her? Did God give us the right to name her?

Why are people their sin? Why are people more their sin than their Savior? WHY IS IT THE HARDEST PART OF DYING TO OUR SELF IS CONVINCING OTHERS TO LET OUR SELVES BE DEAD TO OUR SIN?

I heard the cry of a man who no longer wanted to be known as a homosexual, but a man who struggles with homosexuality. I heard the cry of a woman who no longer wanted to be a slut but a woman who struggles with finding self-love.

Jesus did not look at the Samaritan woman and see an adulteress. He saw a woman who struggled with lust. God created humans that live in a world of struggles, but he did not create beings who would later find their lives in that struggle.

We need to stop it. We need to stop looking at people and identifying them with their struggles. We all just want to be people. We don't want to be our struggles. No one does. That is the cry of humanity. That is the longing in our hearts. We are all searching for identity and people daily notify us that it is in our struggles. JERK! WHORE! SLUT! GAY! SINNER! We are not our struggles.

Treat someone today as a human being. Treat everyone today as a human being. It is the greatest gift you can give them.

Realignment

I really enjoy my home church. It is refreshing, re-energizing, and freeing all at the same time. I enjoy the music we sing and the people who are there. We have a new pastor and Goble (camp friend) is the intern youth pastor.

But most of all, I really enjoy the car ride to church. For me, it runs close to a half an hour to get there and it is full of winding, looping, train track covered pathways. I was thinking today about how much my car ride is like my spiritual life. (I know, I am over spiritualizing a little).

Do you ever feel like it is the ride that matters more than the destination? I mean, do you ride a roller coaster for the end (which - might I add - is only twenty feet behind where you started?) NO! You ride for the between-times. My life is a between time. Sometimes I get distracted and have to take a long way and other times, there are trains that make me slower than normal or bring to me a halt all-together. There are spots along the way to church that always remind me of good times (and there are spots that remind of really bad times too).

There is always this other church on the way to my church that has ridiculous signs. You know, the typical, catchy Christian phrase that always disturbs you? Well, this week it reads 'CH CH ....what is missing?' ..... really? If this church represents something in my spiritual walk, it is the tendency to get angry at the 'typical Christian' or the Christianese our faith tends to attract.

I also pass endearing friends houses and (I am not ashamed to be honest here) people's houses whom I dislike to a very high degree. These people and houses represent different parts of myself that have helped me and hindered me along the way.

I guess I feel, lately, that my Christian walk is NOT good enough. It is becoming a daily struggle of mine to accept the grace of God. THAT is the part of God that most scares me personally. And taking that trip to church reminded me so much that the path, though it is scary and trouble filled, always leads me to church (GOD). No matter what. God isn't going anywhere and even though I might be stopped by a train next to one of those bad memories houses, the church is still waiting and so is God.

The JESUS Prayer

Picture this with me. You are standing in a group of Christians and you are all having a time of intercession. The lights may or may not be dimmed and people are mumbling out loud or making that weird gasping noise with their voices that they always do when they pray.

"Dear heavenly Father, I just pray that you be with ______. I pray for your guiding hand in their lives Father. Show them your love and kindess Father, as they struggle through ______. You are awesome God! You are the supreme Father. I pray that you make this clear to them at this time. Help _____ Father. I pray that your strong hand enter into their lives and free them from _____. May all this be in Jesus' wonderful and glorious name. Amen"

If this is you, please stand up....(standing)

I was praying the other day and I stopped to listened to myself and the above words are pretty much what I heard. I heard the word 'just', 'pray', and 'Father' more than any other word. And the tone of my voice!? I felt like I was whispering out agonies from my lips!

I don't know if this disturbs you, but it disturbs me deeply. Why does it seem that prayer is no longer a communication with God but a ritualistic, emotional experience? I don't know what else to call the seemingly pointless change in my voice and dialect.

I can hear you saying already, 'It is because I am talking to my LORD and savior. I am in a condition of reverence and humility.' Okay - let's examine this. Did Jesus do this? When in Jesus' ministry did his dialect change when he was talking to God? (NOTE: When I use the word dialect, I don't necessarily mean the slang or terminology, but rather the frequency of words used and the habitual manner in which we speak that may or may not align properly with the current state of affairs.)

I can find no evidence of such a change in Jesus. In fact, once I opened my Bible, I found this verse: "When you pray, don't babble on and on as people of other religions do." (Matthew 6). This passage is quickly followed by the 'Our Father' or 'The Lord's Prayer.'

By the way, have you ever compared your prayers to the prayers of Jesus? Do you notice how short they are!? I know that my prayers are considerable longer (windbag) and more emotional (makes me vomit in my mouth). If you really want to add on to that challenge, start looking at the prayers of our founding fathers!! They blow us out of the water.

HU is currently on this 'all about me songs' but I wonder how many people look at 'all about me' prayers. Can your prayer be for others, but be driven and empowered by yourself? I would say yes.

Now...in honor of my prayer (and all those who will admit their problems with this), you an at least say it may be heartfelt (or it is habitual). I think this is something that is worth some serious thought. I may be the only one...but I doubt it. Do you communicate with God in a manner that speaks of habitual phrases or honest communication? I think our prayer should be more professional, concise, and less emotionally driven. Why does humility and reverence have to result in us babbling and sounding like an emotional wreck? I have recently fallen in love with writing our my prayers and just reciting already written prayers. It eliminates so many different problems that I addressed.

Just my thoughts...

Attempt Number 2

Okay, so this is attempt number two for me and blogspot. We had a little upset last time and I decided blogging was not worth it again. However, it continued to haunt me, as many things in my life do, and here I am, creating the second - first post.

This is really a blog for people who care, honestly. I won't be posting radical thoughts nor amazing events. It won't be a wondrous theological source in your life and it probably won't drastically change your worldview.

But it will convey me. Whatever that means for the day, the post, the rambling. It will be me. I can expect nothing better and produce nothing less. It may contain strange metaphors or blatant truths (or maybe both at the same time).

I consider myself an artist of words, so read with that in mind.