It is hard to me to get up in the morning and dedicate my day to God. It is hard for me spend my every minute in prayer with God. Sometimes I even feel a barrier between myself and God.
But have you ever tried walking away? I will be the first to stand up and say that I have. I have honestly thought to myself that God did not exist and that He was merely a creation of Man to make themselves sleep better at night. But it didn't work...
God is a haunting deity. He will not let me leave. It may be uncomfortable to be in his presence and it may even seem crazy to believe in him, but whenever I try to walk away, he won't leave me alone. It is like having a ghost trailing you wherever you go, not giving you a second's rest. God speaks clearest to me when he is haunting me. I am always drawn back to him because he is always drawing me back.
I have confidence in this about God. He is real and I have tested it. This (along with reasons 1-50) make me a bad Christian, but it is the path that I have taken. I will give an account eventually, but until then, I am just going to keep on walking.
I don't think this makes you a bad Christian... I can definitely tell you that I, too, have wanted to walk away. Leave the faith and live a life where I didn't have to worry about how I was living or if I was making the right choices, to me it seems that it would just be easier if I weren't a Christian... but, like you as well, every time I try or think about trying again, God does something that pulls me back to a place where I cannot deny His existence and such. It's strange, I have thought a lot about this for the past couple years, and at one point I wanted to just decided that even if God existed I didn't want to believe in Him who lets people die every day without the chance to hear His word... and I haven't come to terms with that yet, but God wont let me leave Him either, He wont stop showing me things that make it impossible for me to walk away...
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, its good to know we're not alone.
this is why we're friends. because you know just as well as me, that i have a TERRIBLE time being a "good" christian, although i'm not completely sure what the definition of one of those is. that sounded bad (grammarly speaking) haa. but seriously, i have struggled with this and still do. btw, i enjoy reading these. i hope there's no like standard way to follow or comment on blogs cause im pretty sure i do it wrong.
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